Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Soap is not a condiment
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
