ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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