He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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