i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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