Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
