Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
