I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
