How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
