dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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