if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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