I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Boobs speak an international language.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
