i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Randomize
