Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
