i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
