i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
