Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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