Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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