I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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