Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Randomize
