i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
