me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
