im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
