Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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