just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
