that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
