sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
