last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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