i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
