My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
