i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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