I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
