remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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