How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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