I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
