i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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