I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
This is my gift to your gina
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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