i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
