I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
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