1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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