mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
