I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
