so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
