goodnight i made you a song goodbye
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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