can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
