shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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