Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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