margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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