You're my little dorito
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
