before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
