Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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